Published On: Fri, Jan 4th, 2013

BREAKING: Santa Is Suspect In Savile Investigation!

 

Santa Claus pulls out of Christmas 2013 after allegations of sexual abuse.

  • A warrant for Claus’ arrest has been issued after allegations of abuse began to circulate in the wake of the Savile enquiry.
  • The 200-year-old Christmas personality has reportedly been compiling lists of childrens names, it’s reported that he even went as far as to categorise the children as either ‘naughty’ or ‘nice’
  • The lists are said to be compiled after ‘lengthy surveillance’.
  • Mr Claus has now pulled out of Christmas 2013 so as to concentrate efforts on clearing his name, in a move ‘everyone has agreed is for the best,’ a real source said
  • Santa ‘vigorously denies’ the allegations against him 
  • Mr Claus has wrung up a substantial criminal record over the decades after repeated house breakings
  • Detectives involved in Operation Yewtree were not available for comment as we didn’t call anyone
Evidence is thin on the ground as Santa has allegedly (but we all know he did it anyway, dirty bastard!) encouraged those on his lists to burn all correspondence with him.
The most serious allegations stem from a letter entitled ‘Santa Claus Is Coming To Town’ written in 1934 by the musician John Frederick. As the letter was first published during the height of Claus’ fame it was actually mistaken for the lyrics of a song and was matched to a catchy jingle.

You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I’m telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
He’s making a list
And checking it twice;
Gonna find out who’s naughty and nice
Santa Claus is coming to town
He sees you when you’re sleeping
He knows when you’re awake
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!
O! You better watch out!
You better not cry
Better not pout
I’m telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
Santa Claus is coming to town

Post Savile it is, frankly, shocking to see another mainstream public figure being outed as a paedo.

Most shocking of all, we have unconfirmed reports that the beast runs a sweat shop at the North Pole with the factory’s workforce made up entirely of young, semi-attractive, child-like employees that he calls his little elfs. These elfs are reputedly forced to wear slutty outfits.

 

Hard-Copy understands that the League of Mythical Beings(LMB) is to publish a statement later in the day through their spokesman, Charlie Sheen.

We hit the streets early today to gauge the public reaction.

‘To be honest I’m not shocked, I mean it’s pretty obvious if you ask me’

‘I’ve secretly had my suspicions for years now’

‘Can’t say I’m not surprised, he’s always looked like a bit of a weirdo’

Last night his solicitor said in a statement that Santa ‘vigorously denies’ the allegations, which he said dated back about 125 years.

Santa, who formerly worked as a car salesman in Stirling before being thrown into the limelight by a Coca Cola advertising campaign, has been at the centre of Christmas celebrations for decades now.

Jesus, Santa’s main rival for the Christmas limelight, is sure to see a surge in popularity.   

Worryingly it seems that a shocking majority of parents were complicit in the abuse, with some even going as far as to leave snacks out for the monster to keep him going through the long nights.

We spoke to a parent: ‘He became too big a personality, we were powerless to stop him, we just had to cover our ears and let him empty his sac, we’re all really a shower of bastards.’

The Easter Bunny, a colleague at the LMB, is quoted as saying: ‘We’re all shocked by this development, but let’s not turn it into a witch hunt, you don’t want to piss off the Witches Union, they’d turn the internet off.”

 

Sexual abuse isn’t funny, but neither is the witch hunt that is following in the wake of the Savile enquiry.

 


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