Published On: Sun, Jul 28th, 2013

Hard-Copy guide to drinking for free.

Wanky Disclaimer: if you’re offended by the word wanky you shouldn’t be reading this.

On Monday 29 April, 5,000 Britons will be challenging themselves to live on £1 a day for five days, as part of a campaign by the Global Poverty Project. It’ll give us a great insight into what the lives are like for those lucky bastards that make all our shit for us in the third world/Clydebank.

We’d like to thank this noble 5,000 for going through such a terrible ordeal for five days so that we may better appreciate how lucky we are to have been drunkenly conceived in a country where we can find such a large group of self-righteous douche bags.

Anyway’s we thought we’d compile a more useful guide for those on a low income.


The Hard-Copy guide to getting wankered for free.

If you haven’t already realised that your friends are just drinking luggage, something you carry around to pubs to make getting blind drunk socially acceptable, then I’m sorry, but you’re the luggage, my sad little friend.

Socialising is expensive, especially if you’re friends are alcoholics, which going by the official statistics they are with bells on. So to help, we’ve compiled some crib notes to help you get through the hassle of nodding to people making noises without too much expense.


Never pay pub prices.


Make your own dum-dum.

Before sanitation was invented, all that city folk could drink was alcohol and tap water was more disease-ridden than the average Glasgow nightclub.

To make honey wine, jam two litres of honey in a vat and assault with a cake of yeast, leave it in your mum’s wardrobe for a month and hey presto you’ll have a gallon of alcoholic stuff.  She probably won’t mind…at least you’re visiting for a change.

If you tell your shitty mates about it, you may be able to get them to chip in by passing it off as a bonding experience – over price your raw ingredients and you can even make a profit.

The Govan Grenade

Sneaking booze into your local is a bit douchey.  If you’re not too keen on sticking a bottle of mad dog down your front then I wholeheartedly recommend a Govan Grenade. Buy a syringe(you can pick them up for free at most STD clinics), inject an orange with half a bottle of whisky/bucky/methadone and Bob’s your uncle you have a Govan Grenade, goodbye pride, hello sex with a gigantic stranger.

Maryhill Minesweeper

This one is pretty dangerous and probably the quickest way to end up in a cell, I don’t recommend this.  Maryhill Minesweeper involves storming a pub in a pack, strolling around picking up other people’s drinks and walking away until someone detonates in your face, once this metaphorical mine goes off the bar is officially cleared, next.


Never pay for the cloakroom.


At the start of the night walk up to a bar with your jacket, hand it to a member of staff and say ‘I just found this on the floor’. At the end of the night walk up to the same bar, but crucially, not the same barman and ask if your Tesco value jacket has been handed in.

WARNING! Some bars treat their lost property as a free shit box, so don’t hand over expensive items, it’s pretty difficult trying to explain that your 100% positive it was handed in even though you lost it.

Never pay for entry into a club.


This one is the trickiest, but it’s possible. Most clubs, especially the big ones, are constantly on the lookout for staff. So strut up and say that you’ve got a job interview, you’ll get in but may have to do an interview. Hey, you might even get a job you little leech.

If all else fails, the final option is to wait till 2:30 tell the bouncers that you’ve lost your sister: ‘I think she’s in there.’ All bouncers are sexually attracted to their sisters and will not even think twice. You’ll also get the best pick of all the wasted, desperate skanks(male&female) that are left – nice - don’t forget your Govan grenade.


A fridge full of freeness

By far the easiest way to pick up some free booze is to throw a party, people always go overboard and for some reason its socially unacceptable to leave with the alcohol that you paid for. You’ll be left with enough booze to get you through the following day. Also, don’t forget to leave a beer in the shower before you go to sleep.

Shower beer


Words by Chris Pettigrew