Hard-Copy Guide: to Not Murdering Your Girlfriend
In these fast-paced modern times, it can be hard to keep up with the day-to-day when you are caught up in the rat race. Small details can escape you – you may accidentally leave the TV on, or forget to buy groceries, or accidentally* discharge a firearm into your girlfriend. These sorts of accidents happen every day, to normal people, just like you or I. In the interests of public safety, we have put together a short guide to minimise the possibility of you riddling your loved one full of bullets and then having to parade through the media circus that ensues – because really, who has time for that?
- Try not point a loaded gun at any area of your home where they may be. Remember, much like cats, girlfriends can be very independently-minded and have a tendency to move around! Just because you last saw her in the bedroom does not mean she will remain there indefinitely. If you hear a noise in your home and you know your girlfriend is in the building, we would recommending checking to see if it’s her before you go blindly firing through a closed door, jackass.
- Say something, for god’s sakes, say something. Unless your girlfriend is suicidal or you’re being robbed by an excellent mimic – Kevin Spacey, for example – you should be able to identify the woman who shares your life by the sound of her voice. We strongly advise making some attempt to make yourself known to a potential intruder BEFORE opening fire. Even if it is an intruder, they’d probably rather surrender than be shot. From a legal standpoint, bodies – no matter who they may have been – are always a headache.
- Think it through. Perhaps the earlier advice doesn’t apply to you – maybe you have reason to believe that any potential intruder would be armed, and would not hesitate to shoot you first if you make yourself known to them. So making yourself known is out, and putting down the gun is obviously out of the question. Consider the circumstances: if you hear the sound of a plasma TV being dragged out of your living room window, you probably have an intruder. If you hear the sound of a toilet seat being lowered into position, it’s more likely to be your girlfriend – unless it’s a burglar with some very questionable priorities. Abstractly, a house in a gated community, under 24 hour security, probably doesn’t have an intruder. Protip: if you want to be sure of not shooting your girlfriend, keep your gun on her side of the bed. That way, there’s no way you could get to it without noticing that she isn’t there!
- Make a nonsensical account of events. If, through some series of circumstance, you end up discharging your firearm into your loved one and need to justify it, ensure that you give a nonsensical, circular series of how things played out. This will allow some wiggle room in the legal process. For example, even if evidence conclusively states that your girlfriend was, say cowering in the corner in the bathroom, make sure you maintain that you thought she was asleep in bed, even if you would have to be right beside her to get a firearm or should have received a response from her when you yelled her name. Make sure that an eye witness’s statement is disregarded because of your social status as an, perhaps an Olympic athlete. All these staggering gaps in the logical series of events will give you time to get bail and organise your play from there.
- Make sure you do (or don’t do) it in a bungling jurisdiction. Accidents happen. There is no way around that. You can have a fall, cut your finger or blast your significant other (four times) with a gun you got from right beside where you though she was. What makes a difference is if these accidents happen in a place where, although the court structure has a reputation of reasonable independance, the police force, and forensic team is akin to the cast of a Police Academy movie. Their questionable actions and lack of basic crime scene etiquette will be able to cast doubt upon your innocence and give you enough time to hire a crack legal team.
- Use irrelevant distractions to get bail. Okay, so. You’ve shot your partner. This is going to draw reasonable suspicion from the authorities. It is vital here that you attempt to draw as much attention away from your actual crime as possible. If you have, say, a disability of some kind, use it to gain sympathy. Formulate your entire argument around that point that, despite spending your life convincing people that disabled people are exactly the same as non-disabled people, you, in this instance, are different enough to justify manslaughter. Make sure you play on society’s discomfort with the topic so they don’t want to pry too thoroughly and draw attention away from things like forensic evidence or witness accounts of domestic disturbances.
- Try other ways to connect with your significant other. Other than bullets. Laughter is a great way to connect, try that.
Following these easy steps you should be able to avoid the awkward situation of your girlfriend lying dead on your bathroom floor, a situation, that most of us can relate to.
Ali Craig & John Sheppard
* four times.