Published On: Sun, May 5th, 2013

Politics for junkies

In a bid to make politics more accessible to the people of Glasgow, we here at Hard Copy have penned a handy guide to help the city’s drug users distinguish between our main political parties. So put down that spoon and lighter, open the curtains and get your hands out of your mum’s purse, this is politics for junkies!

 

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The Scottish Labour Party – membership of the Labour Party can be a bit like a smack habit. It feels spectacular when you first get into it, and it can be seen as a way to cope with harsh economic conditions brought about by the industrial decline of the country. Popular in the 1980s. Labour voters now face the grim reality of addiction without the elation of the first hit.

The Scottish National Party – political cannabis. Becoming increasingly tolerated by the general public and as popular as ever; weed, like Scottish nationalism, is something most people will not condemn you for being involved with. Favoured by students and the young. Any possible debilitating effects are generally ignored by your enthusiastic peer group, and in any case you’re probably passionate enough about hash/self-determination to ignore them.

The Scottish Conservative and Unionist Party – the political equivalent of cocaine. This movement resembles a night on ching; it causes feelings of arrogance and entitlement, and tends to encourage greed and self-preservation at all costs. An affiliation with the Conservatives, like a coke habit, means you are probably wealthy or at least aspiring to be wealthy.

The UK Independence Party – ketamine. Creates a skewed perception of everything where nothing is as it seems, overindulgence can lead to symptoms similiar to schizophrenia. Best left to the countryside. A vote for UKIP, like ketamine, should only really be used if you own a  horse.

The Scottish Green Party – Ecstasy. Concern for the environment can make you see natural beauty in places where others don’t. You’re full of love for everyone and everything, and feel amazing for it. A green agenda and ecstasy share the fact that they both make you feel like everyone else should be into it, and you wonder why everyone isn’t doing it. Then you wake up a day later and realise you’ve been spouting hippy bullshit.

The Scottish Liberal Democrats – legal highs. Promises to do things; doesn’t do things.

 

by Mick Clocherty

Image by  Michelle Irish


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